Brain Wars — The Gender Variations
By now, most of us have likely noticed that there are significant differences in the way the brains of men and women work. Or don’t work, as the case may be. Neuroscientists explain these differences with highly technical scientific jargon about places in the brain like Broca’s area and Wernicke’s area, all of which makes the brain seem more like Area 51 to me. It should be noted however that these explanations can differ substantially among neuroscientists. This should not be surprising, as neuroscientists also come in different genders. But as few of us can understand neuroscientists of any gender, I’ve taken it upon myself to try and act the part of interpreter.
- Let’s get this out of the way straight off. Men have larger brains than women. This is no doubt because men are always subjecting their brains to strenuous workouts. Women question whether drinking beer while solving the world’s problems with friends can be called workouts, but then women question everything men do. If they had larger brains they might seek answers instead of merely asking questions.
- Women have more brain cells than men, which seems a suspicious way around the size discrepancy. The neuroscientists seem to be silent on the reasons for this, but women tell me it’s likely how they can avoid doing stupid men things. And then they go on and on listing those things. I think I heard the words war and football, and something about not listening to them, though I can’t swear to it. Regardless, it seems one thing is clear anyway — they have men to thank for those extra brain cells. I won’t hold my breath waiting for a thank you.
- Men and women use different parts of their brains while thinking. This gets fairly complicated, but in common language these are known as either the right parts or the wrong parts. To make it even more confusing, sometimes the right parts are wrong, and vice versa.
- Male and female brain neurons take up significantly different amounts of dopamine, which is a brain chemical that acts as a mood enhancer. This may be because men’s neurons can only be activated by an on-off switch, while women’s neurons are believed to be activated by a randomly operated dimmer-type switch with thousands of gradations. Women love to flaunt this feature over men, who can only respond by turning their neurons on or off, or by bragging about their larger brains.
- Women experience more brain pain from pressure than men. Men don’t feel much brain pain from pressure, unless it’s coming from women. Women experience more brain pain in general, and list coexisting with men as the primary reason. Men list bragging about their larger brains as the primary reason for coexisting with women.
- Women have greater language skills than men and so are more communicative. This is because of their larger temporal and frontal lobes. Women like to remind men that it is these complex language skills that separate humans from other animals, including most men. Men generally respond by either grunting angrily, grabbing another beer, or turning up the volume on the football game. Some even do all three.
- Men tend to be better at math, thanks to their larger parietal lobes. Unfortunately, this lobe is not the lobe it used to be, having been rendered largely obsolete by electronic technology. To rub it in, women are better at multi-tasking, as any male can confirm by watching them easily juggle electronics like computers, calculators, phones, and guided robotic surgical tools, all while criticizing them.
- Women handle stress better than men, all thanks to the release of a hormone called oxytocin. Men release oxytocin too, though for them it is immediately pummeled into submission by the male hormone testosterone, whose job it is to patrol the brain and root out all weak, pacifist leaning hormones. Thanks to testosterone, men have long known that stress is better handled with beer than oxytocin anyway.
- Women have better long-term memory, and a better memory of faces. This is possibly because the part of the brain associated with blame is more highly developed in women. Men have better short-term memory, and a better memory of things. This is possibly because the part of the brain associated with beer is more highly developed in men.
- Perhaps most importantly, extensive IQ testing has revealed that neither gender is more intelligent. The testing however does show differences. Women’s IQs tend to be bunched around the average, while men’s are more likely to fall into either high or low extremes. Which extreme likely depends on the quantity and quality of either the women or beer in their lives.
(Bob Lorentson is an environmental scientist, humor writer, and beer drinker. His new book is called Hold the Apocalypse — Pass Me a Scientist Please.)
